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Now I lay him down to sleep

Writer's note: This post will talk about Mommy-specific issues and body parts. Read at your own risk.


Tonight I tried, in earnest, to put Ethan to bed without any nursing and I prepared myself (as best as I could) for noisy protest...

At first he just assumed the 'bed time' position and even closed his eyes to settle down with a snuggle. When I was not forthcoming, he let out a scream - and didn't stop for a long while! We tried a sippy cup of warm milk: He'd stop for a few seconds at a time to take a drink, ponder the situation, put his cup down and then burst into tears again. Repeat cycle... A good few times before the cup ran out of milk.

Then - to make sure that I regretted giving him the cup instead of my breast - he drained the last few droplets of milk in his cup on the carpet! For a short while he was so busy banging the plastic that he forgot all about the situation at hand.

When the crying seemed to be getting louder for longer, I got an idea - as if a sign from God himself: Get on your knees. Not only does it promote a much needed prayer-inducing stance in this seemingly desperate situation, but it would also mean that Ethan wouldn't be able to get access to his prized possession(s)!

And all the while I wondered -

He honestly thinks that these belong to him. That he is owed this form of comfort and that I am a terrible person for keeping it from him! In the middle of this all, as I swaddled my big baby in my arms and tried to lull him to sleep, I really felt that way - that I was responsible for all of this distress because I had allowed him to get used to calling the shots with regards to comfort feeding for so long.

When he called out for "Mommy" tonight and my breaking voice replied with "I am here, my boy", I was so tempted to cave.

It seemed as though he knew all too well that the louder he got, the more I would second guess my intentions and be tempted to give in to his demands. On the flip side, why were we enduring such distress (on both our parts) when it could be resolved in a minute?

By the time he eventually fell asleep in my arms, I was exhausted from over-thinking this whole issue and I didn't feel as triumphant as I thought I would be.

Maybe tomorrow night...


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